Going through boxes of office stuff (or crap, if you prefer) leads you to finding the weirdest stuff. Over the weekend I found a 12 year old page from the New York Times OpEd section (Dec 15th). I've sent it to a number of people over the years (before there was Blogs... or even the Internet as we know it). I reprint it here because its a hearty laugh and well worth a read.
WARNING! This Is Not A Recipe by Teller (co-author of Penn & Teller's How To Play With Your Food")Sphere: Related Content
What you see below appears to be a recipe. But it is not a recipe. It is a tool for making a political statement.
The arena? The holiday party.Read More...
You have cooked up something special, let's say your famous, lighter-than-air Solstice cookies. It's the pride of your kitchen, a secret recipe you've honed to perfection. You bring a batch to a party and your fellow-revelers are in hog heaven. Everything is merry until you are cornered by someone preaching Recipe Socialism: share your secret or be branded Capitalist Running Dog.
Now, you mustn't admit that you don't want to give away your recipe because it's yours and you're entitled to it. That smacks of respect for private property and the subversive conceit that you deserve what you earn by the sweat of your brow. But if you try to be honest, your fellow traveler friend (eager to lay hands on undeserved gain) is apt to accuse you of lacking the holiday spirit.
Don't argue. Just clip out the following recipe and present it to the pastry panhandler.HOLIDAY PUFFS
Total Time: 25 minutes
1/2 cup buttermilk (or 1/4 cup milk mixed with 1/4 vinegar)
5 teaspoons of baking soda
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup lemon juice (fresh is best)
1/2 cup sugar
3/8 cup all -purpose flour
- Preheat over to 375 degrees. Butter a cookie sheet
- In a small bowl or 2-cup measuring cup, beat the egg until foamy.
- Add the buttermilk and vanilla and blend well.
- Add the baking soda, one teaspoon at a time, sprinkling it in and beating until the mixture is smooth and the consistency of light cream.
- Add the lemon juice all at once. Stir gently until blended, but do not beat (it is important not to allow air to get trapped in the mixture).
- Sift the sugar and the flour together in a small bowl and add it to the egg mixture a teaspoon at a time. Stir until just moistened.
- Drop the batter by tablespoon, one inch apart, onto the buttered cookie sheet.
- Bake for 12 minutes or until golden; serve hot.
Yield: 12 servings
Approximate nutritional analysis: 62 calories, 1 gm fat, 10 mg cholesterol, 2 mg sodium, 4 gm protein, 4 gm carbohydrate.
Then rest secure in the knowledge that when your pantry pinko reaches Step 5, about a gallon of lemon-egg foam will gush out of the measuring cup and inundate the kitchen counter. It's harmless, just the lemon juice liberating the carbonate radical of the sodium bicarbonate to produce a cascade of C02 bubbles -- no fires and, regrettably, no explosions. But plenty messy and more than enough to make Chef Share-the-Wealth crazy.
A ruling-class lackey like yourself may want to photocopy and distribute this recipe to all the bleeding hearts at the party. Or add a touch verisimilitude by writing it out on a file card, dipping it in weak tea to age the paper and leaving it out as freeloader flypaper. And if nobody's trying to mooch a recipe from you, no need to feel left out. Be an anarchist: slip the recipe into someone else's fax machine (it's a virus) and use the auto dialer to send little bundles of holiday chaos all 'round the world.
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