Dave Barry on the Challengers, Courtesy of The Federalist:
"'So today I'm going to analyze the presidential campaign, which, in accordance with our Constitution, is taking place exclusively at picnics in Iowa and New Hampshire. Voters are lured to these picnics by free food, unaware that presidential contenders are lurking in the bushes, dressed in plaid shirts so they will appear human. A voter will be about to chow down, only to find himself suddenly locked in the death-grip handshake of, say, U.S. Rep. Dick 'Dick' Gephardt, who commences to explain his views on pension reform. The voter nods thoughtfully, although what he's thinking is: 'When he lets go of my hand, I can eat my bratwurst.' 'Dick' is one of the approximately 78 leading Democratic contenders who've been going from picnic to picnic in a dense candidate clot. The only thing they all agree on is that they're WAYYYYY smarter than President Bush.
...[T]he front-running Democrat is a surprise newcomer named Howard Dean, who is the mayor of Rhode Island or something. It doesn't matter. The important thing is: He's new! He's hot! He's on the Internet! He's got Martin Sheen! Above all, he's not 'Dick' Gephardt! We in the news media currently love Howard, and we will actively promote his candidacy until we receive word from News Media Conspiracy Headquarters that it's time to crush him like an ant. Let me say this to my fellow news mediums: When we decide to pick a new front-runner, we should take a hard look at Florida Sen. Bob ''Bob' Graham. Really. I've known Sen. Graham for more than 20 years, during which I've interviewed him on a number of issues, and I've always found his answers to be thought provoking. The specific thought they provoke is 'Huh?' "
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